t h e i n t i m a t e s t r a n g e r

Day 52 – Metamorphosis

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At worst, the process of change has been painful, literally physically painful - the chest tightness, tension headaches, dizziness and occasional vision ‘changes’ (everything seems dimmer). And then there are the changes to sleep patterns, weight loss and skin breakouts.

It’s certainly not been pretty, what with the awkwardness and clumsy fumbling when things no longer come ‘naturally’ to me – not knowing what to think or say or do; changing my plans for the day or going hungry because I just can’t decide; not knowing what to wear to go out to meet a friend or run an errand (WTF??!!!). At times like this, my usual insecurities and paranoia are intensified, and I’ve to work on not tipping over the edge and spiraling into a panic attack.

Other times, it just feels unsettling and surreal – like I don’t know myself anymore….

At least I’m feeling less incapacitated these past few days. Being able to put a name to what I’m going through has helped me to understand the myriad of confusing emotions that have surfaced – abandonment, agony, ambivalence, anxiety, boredom, despair, disappointment, distraction, disturbance, emptiness, envy, exhaustion, fear, foolishness, frustration, guilt, helplessness, horror, hysteria, inadequacy, insignificance, loneliness, misery, rejection, remorse, vulnerability and weakness.

And lately, I’ve become aware of the anger and resentment – about having to go through this on my own, projected at you-know-who. Sigh. I’ll have to work on this….

But the chest tightness which had bothered me greatly seems to have lessened. I was even thinking of getting checked if I had somehow developed asthma, or worse, a heart condition. I, hypochondriac.

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The old me is fading….  dying.

The heaviness in my heart is the sadness at the passing of half a lifetime and the person I’ve been in that time. I’ve spent so much time fighting it the last several weeks that I’ve not thought to mourn for this restless spirit who refuses to leave – because she is a part of me too.

And now I know why I hadn’t managed (I thought it would relieve some of the tension) to cry – it’s that I hadn’t found the right reason to.

Written by The Intimate Stranger

December 5th, 2010 at 11:38 pm

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