t h e i n t i m a t e s t r a n g e r

Day 22 – Just so you know

with 2 comments

I’m still around.

And I’m still struggling.

FML.

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Monday was so bad that by the time I got home, I just curled up on the sofa in the living room, wrapped in my blanket. And I had a temperature – stress-induced.

My parents were worried and kept asking if I was sick.

I was irritated and bristled at their persistent questions and touches. I muttered that I was sick but I couldn’t tell them about my real problem because there would be more questions (“why?” “but why???” “why like that?????”) which I wasn’t ready to answer, and my parents just wouldn’t understand. (The same way they didn’t understand 20 years ago.) So I’m operating on a need-to-know basis with them – for now at least.

It’s ironic and really sad that how, as a child, I often wished my parents were there for me more. Yet now, I reject them.

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The counsellor wants me to give the EFT another try before resorting to pharmaceuticals. I also realised I had been doing it wrong because I had failed to correctly identify the problem/emotion creating the anxiety/tension at the moment – the problem had to be identified in a very specific manner and I had to connect to my emotions as they flowed during the exercise.

So I made adjustments and the difference was palpable. But it couldn’t sustain me for more than a few hours.

Back to the drawing board, and after talking about it to S, I realised that I needed to be more thorough because I must have missed out a few problems/emotions. Sounds simple enough? That is, if, and only if, I actually acknowledged the existence of these problems/emotions. And I’ll need to do a lot of deep digging to uncover those I’ve hidden so well from even myself. It almost feels as if I’m giving myself a root canal – a very, very painful one.

Then, I realised that it wasn’t that I had missed out only a few – I had missed out a whole lot of shit.

And I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to tap my way through that mountain of issues that had grown over the years – not when I’m running out of time. This is why it’s not as ‘simple’ as it might seem. The rabbit hole goes much, much deeper.

So everyone keeps asking about the trigger. The truth is, I believe now, there was no single trigger. It was a series of events and they had cascaded into a huge avalanche over the last couple of years, and picked up speed the last few months.

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I’m the archetypical drowning person, dragging everyone in my path down with me.

I need to let him go now – because he has started to drown too. Or we will surely die together.

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She is like the double-edged sword.

Being around her has been good – and bad.

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“We all wear masks – everyone, everyday. And sometimes we wear them so much, we forget who we really are. And sometimes if we are lucky, someone comes along and shows us who we really want to be, who we should be.”

~ NIKITA (2010)

Written by The Intimate Stranger

November 5th, 2010 at 10:49 pm

2 Responses to 'Day 22 – Just so you know'

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  1. Hang in there! Things are never as bad as they seem. There is a middle ground for everything.

    Guest

    6 Nov 10 at 1.51 pm

  2. *hug*

    rainymei

    7 Nov 10 at 3.10 am

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