t h e i n t i m a t e s t r a n g e r

Coulda Woulda Shoulda

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“You should have moved out long ago :-)”

 

OF COURSE I should have.

But I didn’t, for various reasons — reasons that no longer matter.

And you know what? I resent the pressure. I resent it. And I resent that I was made to ended up feeling bad about myself — being reminded again and again that I had ‘fallen behind’ the pack, and that I was inadequate. It was not a good feeling, I can tell you that.

The pressure is still there. Perhaps lesser. Perhaps not. The difference now, is that I deal with it differently.

People can say what they want. People will say what they want.

But it’s MY LIFE, and I can, and I shall, live it as I can and as I shall.

So things didn’t happen Long Ago — because. Of course Long Ago could have happened very differently. But the reasons no longer matter. Whether they were Good Reasons or Bad Reasons or Silly Excuses is not the point.

The point is, I accept that Long Ago happened. And I will not allow The Past to hold me back.

 

“I don’t think I would have known how to cope being on my own then. But the last few years, some things have changed for me, and in me. And the idea of moving out is less scary now.”

 

Well, some of the things which held me back Long Ago are still an issue today. But like I said, I deal with some things differently now. Interestingly, my friend quickly brought up the fact that going into competitive sports in the past year has changed things for me. I agree very much, though obviously the ‘system shock’ a few years ago kick-started everything. Heh. But more another time, on how swimming has helped me to fight for what I want and to build mental resilience.

I decided around the start of the year that I would get my own place and move out in 2014. I was distracted the first half of the year but I’m making an effort to get back on track — I’ve contacted a housing agent and am in the process of determining my loan eligibility. And I’ve gotten my friends in on the excitement — it’s like A Party! Laugh.

But really, all that matters now is that I’m ready :-)

 

Beautiful stained glass door made of hundreds of pantone swatches by Italian architect Armin Blasbichler.

 

Written by The Intimate Stranger

July 11th, 2014 at 1:43 am

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