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Archive for December, 2010

Déjà vu

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The funny thing is, I feel the same way I did last year this time.

And the reason why I can remember the feeling is because I know it so well.

And you know what? It seems like last year this time was only yesterday.

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December 31st, 2010 at 7:08 pm

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Day 67 – ……

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Bored.

Sigh.

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December 20th, 2010 at 9:07 pm

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Day 63 – Lull

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“It’s not because things are difficult that we dare not, it’s because we dare not that things are difficult.”

~ Seneca

Funny how giving myself ‘permission’ to take a break for the whole of December has made a difference. Or maybe it’s the meditation. Shrug.

Anyway, am feeling excited about planning my own holiday. Now to decide where to go!

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December 16th, 2010 at 1:28 pm

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Day 60 – Too fast

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And now I feel that time is passing too fast. Doh.

Is it the anxiety of having to play catch-up with life later, or the knowledge that yet another year is coming to an end?

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December 13th, 2010 at 2:22 pm

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Day 59 – Sabbatical

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Decided to give myself at least the whole of December, if not a month or two more after that, to have some time-out.

Much as I want to get back on track, I realised after talking to SB that I’m not ready and I’m just putting more pressure on myself. The dam has burst and I’ll just have to wait out the flood of a few decades of suppressed emotions, a lot that I’m still struggling to recognise.

In the meantime, I’ll be doing a lot of catching up – with myself, and getting in touch with my feelings, in particular The Pain, which I’m not supposed to run away from :-/ So, the rest of life will just have to wait a little longer.

I don’t think I’ve ever taken a break of more than a week or two. What about you?

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The spring-cleaning continues and I’m amazed that I’m still able to fill bags with unwanted stuff. But I guess I shouldn’t be surprised since I’ve a tendency for impulse shopping and carting home things that I don’t really want (notice I don’t say “need”, heh).

Oh well…. I sure hope someone benefits from my ‘recycling’!

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December 12th, 2010 at 10:40 pm

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Day 55 – Eat Pray Love

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“You have to learn to select your thoughts the same way that you select your clothes everyday…. If you can’t master your thoughts, you’re in trouble forever.

“Stop trying. Surrender…. still your mind and watch what happens…. just let it be…

“I know you feel awlful. But your life’s changing, and it’s not a bad thing.”

– Richard from Texas, Eat Pray Love

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Which, by the way, was a bore. Zzzzz….

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December 8th, 2010 at 10:58 pm

Day 54 – Voices from the past

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More spring-cleaning today, because I think throwing out ‘junk’ is therapeutic. It’s amazing how much stuff I can do without – or at least, I think I can. Heh. I’m trying not to delve too much into the quality (or lack thereof) of my decisions these days.

Am very glad I kept some of the letters and cards from back when people still sent handwritten letters by snail mail (and a few by hand – because they couldn’t say what they wanted in person, heh). While I only managed to glance through a handful of letters and cards, and many of them were written about 15 years ago, the words reached out to me in the now – almost as if they knew. And I couldn’t help but smile, and I was greatly comforted.

You could say my problems have never left me. Or, it is more likely the case that everyone has to deal with the same issues at some point, or several points in their lives, albeit to varying degrees.

And then there were the photos.

Speaking of which, what in the world possessed me to match a too-big long-sleeved blouse with a long shapeless skirt and chunky loafers when I first started working??? Facepalm.

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Circa early 1995:

“Never thought I’d say this either but I’m feeling very lonely here. I miss all of you guys…. I have to sound depressing but I really don’t know how I’m going to make it through the next 4.5 months…. From now on I think I’ll try to enjoy life more. I’m beginning to realise what’s important in life – precious friends like you, family and people you love.”

You know what? I don’t think I’ve ever asked, really seriously asked, what’s important to me.

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December 7th, 2010 at 1:18 am

Day 52 – Metamorphosis

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At worst, the process of change has been painful, literally physically painful - the chest tightness, tension headaches, dizziness and occasional vision ‘changes’ (everything seems dimmer). And then there are the changes to sleep patterns, weight loss and skin breakouts.

It’s certainly not been pretty, what with the awkwardness and clumsy fumbling when things no longer come ‘naturally’ to me – not knowing what to think or say or do; changing my plans for the day or going hungry because I just can’t decide; not knowing what to wear to go out to meet a friend or run an errand (WTF??!!!). At times like this, my usual insecurities and paranoia are intensified, and I’ve to work on not tipping over the edge and spiraling into a panic attack.

Other times, it just feels unsettling and surreal – like I don’t know myself anymore….

At least I’m feeling less incapacitated these past few days. Being able to put a name to what I’m going through has helped me to understand the myriad of confusing emotions that have surfaced – abandonment, agony, ambivalence, anxiety, boredom, despair, disappointment, distraction, disturbance, emptiness, envy, exhaustion, fear, foolishness, frustration, guilt, helplessness, horror, hysteria, inadequacy, insignificance, loneliness, misery, rejection, remorse, vulnerability and weakness.

And lately, I’ve become aware of the anger and resentment – about having to go through this on my own, projected at you-know-who. Sigh. I’ll have to work on this….

But the chest tightness which had bothered me greatly seems to have lessened. I was even thinking of getting checked if I had somehow developed asthma, or worse, a heart condition. I, hypochondriac.

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The old me is fading….  dying.

The heaviness in my heart is the sadness at the passing of half a lifetime and the person I’ve been in that time. I’ve spent so much time fighting it the last several weeks that I’ve not thought to mourn for this restless spirit who refuses to leave – because she is a part of me too.

And now I know why I hadn’t managed (I thought it would relieve some of the tension) to cry – it’s that I hadn’t found the right reason to.

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December 5th, 2010 at 11:38 pm

Day 50 – Amnesia

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It’s like I’m operating in manual mode right now and everything that I do has to be preceded by a “Why am I doing this?” and “justified”.

I suppose these questions are now necessary given how I’ve gone through much of my life not asking questions, and not asking - and not giving - myself what I really want.

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Popped into Borders looking for a book on a lifesaving device (which had SF laughing hysterically over the phone all the way from Jakarta – she’s nuts, I tell you) and ended up reading another book on life coaching. Everything the author wrote seemed so clear and obvious, it resonated with me.

And now I’m feeling so strangely restless, as if there are all these things I want to do – but I just can’t figure out, or rather remember (???), what they are. Is it my mind reminding me of all the things that I really, really want to do but never got around to?

What a strange feeling….

Anyway.

Today’s gone quite well, actually (aside from the usual morning routine of waking up with this vague sense of doom).

Tell me I’m not losing it; that this is just part of the process.

Written by The Intimate Stranger

December 3rd, 2010 at 10:13 pm

Day 49 – In the middle of nowhere

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It’s official – I’m having a mid-life crisis.

FML.

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Overheard on Twitter:

“The most important questions are often the simplest questions which we overanalysed and made the most complicated.”

In my saner moments (like the present moment, when my mind is not clouded), it really does feel that way – that I’m ignoring the simple truth in favour of something so convoluted, I’ve ended up losing the script. I mean, seriously, who gets stressed out figuring bus routes and making simple telephone enquiries to flooring distributors??? TMD!!!

But I think also, that this has been especially hard because of who I am, what with my pessimism and paranoia and neuroses and all the most ridiculous what ifs that populate my mind 24/7 – even more so now of course. And it’s getting in my way.

All the more to do something about this instead of wallowing in misery.

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Note to self:

I need to stop obsessing about the *perfect* way out of this. There is no right or wrong. But there is certainly *doing* something about this crap I’m in now instead of running around in circles. I’ll just have to make do and figure things out along the way.

And oh yeah, remind myself it’s not the end of the world.

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December 2nd, 2010 at 3:45 pm