t h e i n t i m a t e s t r a n g e r

Archive for November, 2010

Day 44 – Heavy

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Woke with a great heaviness upon my heart….

I know why it is I feel thus….

I have to remember that this is temporary; that I can work through this and there is a way out. At least I’m getting sleep again. Now to remind myself that I actually need to eat as well.

I hope this doesn’t take too long…. but for now, I must be patient and I must not lose hope.

“Each of us, deep down, we know what we really want. It’s just a matter of actually doing it.”

~ Motivational Speaker Jordan Price, Dexter (not quite the role model if you follow the series, but you get the drift)

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My head is not a good place to be in now.

One moment, I’m floundering in quicksand, slowly descending into the madness of darkness….

And then it’s as if everything in the past few months was only a very, very bad dream that I’ve just woken up from, and I’m back to my ‘normal’ self again and functioning. (I know one day, this will come to be – maybe even in a few weeks’ time, who knows?)

If you’d been to where I am now (though I truly wish you hadn’t and never would), maybe you’ll understand what it’s like to doubt and question the core of your existence.

If you don’t, I’m truly glad for you, and I apologise if I unsettle you with my odd behaviour as I go about picking up the pieces of my life.

Written by The Intimate Stranger

November 27th, 2010 at 8:25 am

Day 43 – Adrift

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Existential crisis.

A lot of things that used to come ‘easily’ – without thought – to me no longer do and I find myself wondering about the whys. What’s the point of it all, really?

The truth is: I’ve lost my bearings. If only it were as simple as being at a crossroads but I find myself in a huge expanse of open space now – where to go…. what to do next…. why should I…. who the hell am I, really?

The answers will not come on their own – because there are none.

One step at a time, for now.

Written by The Intimate Stranger

November 26th, 2010 at 4:52 pm

Posted in who am i

Day 42 – Rebooting

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I need more time to rethink my priorities in life.

I realised I was pushing myself for the sake of pushing myself without really coming to terms with what I need to do about my life – change. And while I was at it, my health continued to suffer.

Is this right or wrong? I don’t know. But I need to accept this temporary setback and that I need time out to find myself.

Written by The Intimate Stranger

November 25th, 2010 at 11:59 pm

Day 28 – Detached

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So this is what it would be like to function – detached from my usual suite of negative thoughts. It almost feels like an out-of-body experience. I’m registering what’s happening around me and making a note of the usual feelings which would flood my system and yet do not because of the meds.

I ought to remember how this state of being feels like…. for though I have lost my sight for now, I shall find my way again by listening to my heart.

Written by The Intimate Stranger

November 11th, 2010 at 9:49 pm

Posted in i can't breathe

Day 26 – Somehow

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I don’t know if it was the breaking of my emotional dam or the visualisation exercise or the tapping, but somehow I managed my first several steps towards baseline today. (And not a day too soon.)

Or maybe it was something she picked up at our first meeting – I’ve fallen before, and I got up, and SOMEHOW, I’ve always managed to get on with life.

Somehow….

Written by The Intimate Stranger

November 9th, 2010 at 10:17 pm

Day 25 – The Child

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Sometime during the tapping on Sunday, lost for words at a particularly persistent problem that wouldn’t go away, I blurted out “because I just don’t want to do it.”

The harder I was pushed, the more I resisted.

Just like a child – rebelling more than half a lifetime too late and at the most inconvenient stage of my life (there were many, many other times in my adult life too of course); hitting back for all those times I didn’t speak my mind.

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As I tapped on the possible cause of my resistance, I finally acknowledged how unhappy I had been, being made to do all the things I didn’t want to and not speaking up so many years ago (and even now sometimes).

And the dam suddenly burst as I tapped on my heart meridian. It was the choke I’ve felt for a month or so now, which I thought was just me wanting to release work-related stress.

Written by The Intimate Stranger

November 8th, 2010 at 4:33 pm

Day 22 – Just so you know

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I’m still around.

And I’m still struggling.

FML.

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Monday was so bad that by the time I got home, I just curled up on the sofa in the living room, wrapped in my blanket. And I had a temperature – stress-induced.

My parents were worried and kept asking if I was sick.

I was irritated and bristled at their persistent questions and touches. I muttered that I was sick but I couldn’t tell them about my real problem because there would be more questions (“why?” “but why???” “why like that?????”) which I wasn’t ready to answer, and my parents just wouldn’t understand. (The same way they didn’t understand 20 years ago.) So I’m operating on a need-to-know basis with them – for now at least.

It’s ironic and really sad that how, as a child, I often wished my parents were there for me more. Yet now, I reject them.

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The counsellor wants me to give the EFT another try before resorting to pharmaceuticals. I also realised I had been doing it wrong because I had failed to correctly identify the problem/emotion creating the anxiety/tension at the moment – the problem had to be identified in a very specific manner and I had to connect to my emotions as they flowed during the exercise.

So I made adjustments and the difference was palpable. But it couldn’t sustain me for more than a few hours.

Back to the drawing board, and after talking about it to S, I realised that I needed to be more thorough because I must have missed out a few problems/emotions. Sounds simple enough? That is, if, and only if, I actually acknowledged the existence of these problems/emotions. And I’ll need to do a lot of deep digging to uncover those I’ve hidden so well from even myself. It almost feels as if I’m giving myself a root canal – a very, very painful one.

Then, I realised that it wasn’t that I had missed out only a few – I had missed out a whole lot of shit.

And I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to tap my way through that mountain of issues that had grown over the years – not when I’m running out of time. This is why it’s not as ‘simple’ as it might seem. The rabbit hole goes much, much deeper.

So everyone keeps asking about the trigger. The truth is, I believe now, there was no single trigger. It was a series of events and they had cascaded into a huge avalanche over the last couple of years, and picked up speed the last few months.

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I’m the archetypical drowning person, dragging everyone in my path down with me.

I need to let him go now – because he has started to drown too. Or we will surely die together.

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She is like the double-edged sword.

Being around her has been good – and bad.

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“We all wear masks – everyone, everyday. And sometimes we wear them so much, we forget who we really are. And sometimes if we are lucky, someone comes along and shows us who we really want to be, who we should be.”

~ NIKITA (2010)

Written by The Intimate Stranger

November 5th, 2010 at 10:49 pm