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Day 55 – Eat Pray Love

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“You have to learn to select your thoughts the same way that you select your clothes everyday…. If you can’t master your thoughts, you’re in trouble forever.

“Stop trying. Surrender…. still your mind and watch what happens…. just let it be…

“I know you feel awlful. But your life’s changing, and it’s not a bad thing.”

– Richard from Texas, Eat Pray Love

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Which, by the way, was a bore. Zzzzz….

Written by The Intimate Stranger

December 8th, 2010 at 10:58 pm

Day 54 – Voices from the past

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More spring-cleaning today, because I think throwing out ‘junk’ is therapeutic. It’s amazing how much stuff I can do without – or at least, I think I can. Heh. I’m trying not to delve too much into the quality (or lack thereof) of my decisions these days.

Am very glad I kept some of the letters and cards from back when people still sent handwritten letters by snail mail (and a few by hand – because they couldn’t say what they wanted in person, heh). While I only managed to glance through a handful of letters and cards, and many of them were written about 15 years ago, the words reached out to me in the now – almost as if they knew. And I couldn’t help but smile, and I was greatly comforted.

You could say my problems have never left me. Or, it is more likely the case that everyone has to deal with the same issues at some point, or several points in their lives, albeit to varying degrees.

And then there were the photos.

Speaking of which, what in the world possessed me to match a too-big long-sleeved blouse with a long shapeless skirt and chunky loafers when I first started working??? Facepalm.

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Circa early 1995:

“Never thought I’d say this either but I’m feeling very lonely here. I miss all of you guys…. I have to sound depressing but I really don’t know how I’m going to make it through the next 4.5 months…. From now on I think I’ll try to enjoy life more. I’m beginning to realise what’s important in life – precious friends like you, family and people you love.”

You know what? I don’t think I’ve ever asked, really seriously asked, what’s important to me.

Written by The Intimate Stranger

December 7th, 2010 at 1:18 am

Day 52 – Metamorphosis

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At worst, the process of change has been painful, literally physically painful - the chest tightness, tension headaches, dizziness and occasional vision ‘changes’ (everything seems dimmer). And then there are the changes to sleep patterns, weight loss and skin breakouts.

It’s certainly not been pretty, what with the awkwardness and clumsy fumbling when things no longer come ‘naturally’ to me – not knowing what to think or say or do; changing my plans for the day or going hungry because I just can’t decide; not knowing what to wear to go out to meet a friend or run an errand (WTF??!!!). At times like this, my usual insecurities and paranoia are intensified, and I’ve to work on not tipping over the edge and spiraling into a panic attack.

Other times, it just feels unsettling and surreal – like I don’t know myself anymore….

At least I’m feeling less incapacitated these past few days. Being able to put a name to what I’m going through has helped me to understand the myriad of confusing emotions that have surfaced – abandonment, agony, ambivalence, anxiety, boredom, despair, disappointment, distraction, disturbance, emptiness, envy, exhaustion, fear, foolishness, frustration, guilt, helplessness, horror, hysteria, inadequacy, insignificance, loneliness, misery, rejection, remorse, vulnerability and weakness.

And lately, I’ve become aware of the anger and resentment – about having to go through this on my own, projected at you-know-who. Sigh. I’ll have to work on this….

But the chest tightness which had bothered me greatly seems to have lessened. I was even thinking of getting checked if I had somehow developed asthma, or worse, a heart condition. I, hypochondriac.

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The old me is fading….  dying.

The heaviness in my heart is the sadness at the passing of half a lifetime and the person I’ve been in that time. I’ve spent so much time fighting it the last several weeks that I’ve not thought to mourn for this restless spirit who refuses to leave – because she is a part of me too.

And now I know why I hadn’t managed (I thought it would relieve some of the tension) to cry – it’s that I hadn’t found the right reason to.

Written by The Intimate Stranger

December 5th, 2010 at 11:38 pm

Day 50 – Amnesia

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It’s like I’m operating in manual mode right now and everything that I do has to be preceded by a “Why am I doing this?” and “justified”.

I suppose these questions are now necessary given how I’ve gone through much of my life not asking questions, and not asking - and not giving - myself what I really want.

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Popped into Borders looking for a book on a lifesaving device (which had SF laughing hysterically over the phone all the way from Jakarta – she’s nuts, I tell you) and ended up reading another book on life coaching. Everything the author wrote seemed so clear and obvious, it resonated with me.

And now I’m feeling so strangely restless, as if there are all these things I want to do – but I just can’t figure out, or rather remember (???), what they are. Is it my mind reminding me of all the things that I really, really want to do but never got around to?

What a strange feeling….

Anyway.

Today’s gone quite well, actually (aside from the usual morning routine of waking up with this vague sense of doom).

Tell me I’m not losing it; that this is just part of the process.

Written by The Intimate Stranger

December 3rd, 2010 at 10:13 pm

Day 49 – In the middle of nowhere

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It’s official – I’m having a mid-life crisis.

FML.

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Overheard on Twitter:

“The most important questions are often the simplest questions which we overanalysed and made the most complicated.”

In my saner moments (like the present moment, when my mind is not clouded), it really does feel that way – that I’m ignoring the simple truth in favour of something so convoluted, I’ve ended up losing the script. I mean, seriously, who gets stressed out figuring bus routes and making simple telephone enquiries to flooring distributors??? TMD!!!

But I think also, that this has been especially hard because of who I am, what with my pessimism and paranoia and neuroses and all the most ridiculous what ifs that populate my mind 24/7 – even more so now of course. And it’s getting in my way.

All the more to do something about this instead of wallowing in misery.

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Note to self:

I need to stop obsessing about the *perfect* way out of this. There is no right or wrong. But there is certainly *doing* something about this crap I’m in now instead of running around in circles. I’ll just have to make do and figure things out along the way.

And oh yeah, remind myself it’s not the end of the world.

Written by The Intimate Stranger

December 2nd, 2010 at 3:45 pm

Day 44 – Heavy

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Woke with a great heaviness upon my heart….

I know why it is I feel thus….

I have to remember that this is temporary; that I can work through this and there is a way out. At least I’m getting sleep again. Now to remind myself that I actually need to eat as well.

I hope this doesn’t take too long…. but for now, I must be patient and I must not lose hope.

“Each of us, deep down, we know what we really want. It’s just a matter of actually doing it.”

~ Motivational Speaker Jordan Price, Dexter (not quite the role model if you follow the series, but you get the drift)

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My head is not a good place to be in now.

One moment, I’m floundering in quicksand, slowly descending into the madness of darkness….

And then it’s as if everything in the past few months was only a very, very bad dream that I’ve just woken up from, and I’m back to my ‘normal’ self again and functioning. (I know one day, this will come to be – maybe even in a few weeks’ time, who knows?)

If you’d been to where I am now (though I truly wish you hadn’t and never would), maybe you’ll understand what it’s like to doubt and question the core of your existence.

If you don’t, I’m truly glad for you, and I apologise if I unsettle you with my odd behaviour as I go about picking up the pieces of my life.

Written by The Intimate Stranger

November 27th, 2010 at 8:25 am

Day 42 – Rebooting

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I need more time to rethink my priorities in life.

I realised I was pushing myself for the sake of pushing myself without really coming to terms with what I need to do about my life – change. And while I was at it, my health continued to suffer.

Is this right or wrong? I don’t know. But I need to accept this temporary setback and that I need time out to find myself.

Written by The Intimate Stranger

November 25th, 2010 at 11:59 pm

Day 28 – Detached

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So this is what it would be like to function – detached from my usual suite of negative thoughts. It almost feels like an out-of-body experience. I’m registering what’s happening around me and making a note of the usual feelings which would flood my system and yet do not because of the meds.

I ought to remember how this state of being feels like…. for though I have lost my sight for now, I shall find my way again by listening to my heart.

Written by The Intimate Stranger

November 11th, 2010 at 9:49 pm

Posted in i can't breathe

Day 26 – Somehow

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I don’t know if it was the breaking of my emotional dam or the visualisation exercise or the tapping, but somehow I managed my first several steps towards baseline today. (And not a day too soon.)

Or maybe it was something she picked up at our first meeting – I’ve fallen before, and I got up, and SOMEHOW, I’ve always managed to get on with life.

Somehow….

Written by The Intimate Stranger

November 9th, 2010 at 10:17 pm

Day 25 – The Child

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Sometime during the tapping on Sunday, lost for words at a particularly persistent problem that wouldn’t go away, I blurted out “because I just don’t want to do it.”

The harder I was pushed, the more I resisted.

Just like a child – rebelling more than half a lifetime too late and at the most inconvenient stage of my life (there were many, many other times in my adult life too of course); hitting back for all those times I didn’t speak my mind.

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As I tapped on the possible cause of my resistance, I finally acknowledged how unhappy I had been, being made to do all the things I didn’t want to and not speaking up so many years ago (and even now sometimes).

And the dam suddenly burst as I tapped on my heart meridian. It was the choke I’ve felt for a month or so now, which I thought was just me wanting to release work-related stress.

Written by The Intimate Stranger

November 8th, 2010 at 4:33 pm