t h e i n t i m a t e s t r a n g e r

Archive for the ‘it’s just work’ Category

Blessings

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Back to square one, almost – one could point out that one and a half years have gone by in the meantime.

Still, I’ll count my blessings.

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* * *

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I guess when too much time has passed, some of us stop making the effort to look for something deeper and more meaningful.

Too used to, and comforted by the routine we have built for ourselves, it would take something – someone – really special for us to rock our boats, no?

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Written by The Intimate Stranger

March 12th, 2012 at 12:31 am

Rebooting

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“Do you like public speaking, or have the experience?”

Damned if I told the truth (“Hate it!”), and damned if I lied (“Love it!”).

Instead, I responded that I didn’t think most people could honestly say they liked public speaking. But it was certainly something I hoped to pick up eventually.

Apparently, that was not too bad an answer….

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* * *

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Me and my big mouth — literally.

Well, not that bit about declaring I would like to pick up public speaking.

But this.

Like I said, things have a strange way of working out.

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Written by The Intimate Stranger

June 15th, 2011 at 9:52 pm

Day 42 – Rebooting

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I need more time to rethink my priorities in life.

I realised I was pushing myself for the sake of pushing myself without really coming to terms with what I need to do about my life – change. And while I was at it, my health continued to suffer.

Is this right or wrong? I don’t know. But I need to accept this temporary setback and that I need time out to find myself.

Written by The Intimate Stranger

November 25th, 2010 at 11:59 pm

Day 26 – Somehow

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I don’t know if it was the breaking of my emotional dam or the visualisation exercise or the tapping, but somehow I managed my first several steps towards baseline today. (And not a day too soon.)

Or maybe it was something she picked up at our first meeting – I’ve fallen before, and I got up, and SOMEHOW, I’ve always managed to get on with life.

Somehow….

Written by The Intimate Stranger

November 9th, 2010 at 10:17 pm

Day 25 – The Child

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Sometime during the tapping on Sunday, lost for words at a particularly persistent problem that wouldn’t go away, I blurted out “because I just don’t want to do it.”

The harder I was pushed, the more I resisted.

Just like a child – rebelling more than half a lifetime too late and at the most inconvenient stage of my life (there were many, many other times in my adult life too of course); hitting back for all those times I didn’t speak my mind.

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As I tapped on the possible cause of my resistance, I finally acknowledged how unhappy I had been, being made to do all the things I didn’t want to and not speaking up so many years ago (and even now sometimes).

And the dam suddenly burst as I tapped on my heart meridian. It was the choke I’ve felt for a month or so now, which I thought was just me wanting to release work-related stress.

Written by The Intimate Stranger

November 8th, 2010 at 4:33 pm

Day 22 – Just so you know

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I’m still around.

And I’m still struggling.

FML.

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Monday was so bad that by the time I got home, I just curled up on the sofa in the living room, wrapped in my blanket. And I had a temperature – stress-induced.

My parents were worried and kept asking if I was sick.

I was irritated and bristled at their persistent questions and touches. I muttered that I was sick but I couldn’t tell them about my real problem because there would be more questions (“why?” “but why???” “why like that?????”) which I wasn’t ready to answer, and my parents just wouldn’t understand. (The same way they didn’t understand 20 years ago.) So I’m operating on a need-to-know basis with them – for now at least.

It’s ironic and really sad that how, as a child, I often wished my parents were there for me more. Yet now, I reject them.

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The counsellor wants me to give the EFT another try before resorting to pharmaceuticals. I also realised I had been doing it wrong because I had failed to correctly identify the problem/emotion creating the anxiety/tension at the moment – the problem had to be identified in a very specific manner and I had to connect to my emotions as they flowed during the exercise.

So I made adjustments and the difference was palpable. But it couldn’t sustain me for more than a few hours.

Back to the drawing board, and after talking about it to S, I realised that I needed to be more thorough because I must have missed out a few problems/emotions. Sounds simple enough? That is, if, and only if, I actually acknowledged the existence of these problems/emotions. And I’ll need to do a lot of deep digging to uncover those I’ve hidden so well from even myself. It almost feels as if I’m giving myself a root canal – a very, very painful one.

Then, I realised that it wasn’t that I had missed out only a few – I had missed out a whole lot of shit.

And I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to tap my way through that mountain of issues that had grown over the years – not when I’m running out of time. This is why it’s not as ‘simple’ as it might seem. The rabbit hole goes much, much deeper.

So everyone keeps asking about the trigger. The truth is, I believe now, there was no single trigger. It was a series of events and they had cascaded into a huge avalanche over the last couple of years, and picked up speed the last few months.

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I’m the archetypical drowning person, dragging everyone in my path down with me.

I need to let him go now – because he has started to drown too. Or we will surely die together.

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She is like the double-edged sword.

Being around her has been good – and bad.

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“We all wear masks – everyone, everyday. And sometimes we wear them so much, we forget who we really are. And sometimes if we are lucky, someone comes along and shows us who we really want to be, who we should be.”

~ NIKITA (2010)

Written by The Intimate Stranger

November 5th, 2010 at 10:49 pm

Day 15 – Flicker of light

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Like the ominous greyness that went away as quietly as it had first descended (thank you Sumatra!), the fog of shadows and whispers surrounding me seems to have retreated – for now.

Over the weekend and the early part of the week, my anxiety levels were high – so high I couldn’t even focus during the counselling session which was intended to help me; that I was also asked (not by my counsellor), and was myself open, to consider medical aid if just to tide myself over the next few weeks on the work front – work is work afterall, and I have been given a lot of space to breathe the last two weeks.

I don’t know what it was I had done that was different. Maybe this is just one of my many upswings – albeit the longest so far, 1.5 days and counting. Maybe it’s dumping endorphins into my system before going to work every morning (thank you Robin Sharma!). Maybe it’s just acknowledging and speaking about my anxieties. Maybe it’s about reaching out and asking for help and getting it. Maybe it’s having that brief moment of clarity to think through my state(s) of mind and arriving at a realisation or two.

Nevertheless, I am glad for the respite….

And I am still amazed at how supportive and very, very nice my new boss has been – in spite of everything.

And that in the midst of all this shit and feeling as if my fortunes have taken a 180-degree turn within a few months, all is not lost. I really am lucky, aren’t I?

Right now, I am feeling thankful – in spite of everything.

Written by The Intimate Stranger

October 29th, 2010 at 12:27 am

Day 5 – Mask

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A couple of times this evening, I almost cried when she asked why it was that I related unhappy memories with a smile. (I didn’t realise that actually.) She highlighted the incongruity and said I was too used to brushing things off and not stating my opinion, that I say “I’m fine” when I’m not.

I shrugged and told her that’s probably because I related my memories with the benefit of hindsight and because they happened so long ago – so long ago that I thought they ought not to matter anymore.

Guess not….

And I suppose I was just too tired to cry.

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Day 5 went relatively well – ‘well’ because I accomplished little but had only a few minor episodes of anxiety; ‘relatively’ because I was in a significantly different space over the weekend and had expended a lot of energy just keeping it together.

Maybe it’s just me blowing things out of proportion. Maybe getting lots of sleep helps. Maybe I just need to drain myself with multiple panic attacks.

I wonder what Day 6 would be like – I’m like a mood yo-yo these days.

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The most interesting discovery this evening, being the first of The Sessions, is that my issue – or rather my mother’s – with my jaw might be related to my communication problems.

Hmmm…..

PS:

I don’t blame my parents for who I am. But I do want to understand why I am the way I am. And then I need to work on me.

Written by The Intimate Stranger

October 18th, 2010 at 11:43 pm

Day 2 – Don’t let go

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I’ve lost about 3 kg in the last month or so. No appetite and not enough sleep.

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Day 2 wasn’t as good – feeling overwhelmed and fear lurking in the shadows. Had to keep a constant grip on myself. Just had to get through the day; there was dinner with friends and I was looking forward to it.

Reminding myself that I have been allowed to start afresh and it’s baby steps for now. Stumped by some work but did what I could and figured the rest would sort itself out. What’s the worst that could happen?

Score card: Got a few things done and more importantly, made it through Friday.

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Head feels ‘tight’. Feeling the prickly heat all over too.

Still, am thankful for the few extra hours of sleep this morning – not so sure about the quality but at least I managed to stay in bed for some shut-eye.

Today is a sunny day. I love sunny days – they give me hope. Something about dreary skies and the night scare me. It wasn’t always like this.

Please let tomorrow be sun and blue skies too.

Written by The Intimate Stranger

October 16th, 2010 at 12:01 pm

Day 1 – Baby Steps

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Woke up this morning feeling…. strangely composed. (Considering that I was having multiple anxiety attacks yesterday and almost bolted, again.)

Got to work and received a warm welcome, especially from the 2 elves. While I don’t doubt their sincerity, I realised – after each quickly spilled their more private thoughts to me, separately at that – that my return served more, shall we say ‘practical’ agendas. Nonetheless, I think a new level in camaraderie was reached today.

Maybe I just had to hit rock bottom so I could face my worst fears. Life is strange that way sometimes. Or if you are a believer – everything happens for a reason.

Crossing my fingers for the next few days. I just need to get to Monday evening in one piece.

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She said I was always running away from the men. She’s right.

But! To be fair to me, let’s not be desperate either ya? Just because I have dismal self-esteem doesn’t mean anyhow whack righttttt….

On the other hand, there are also the men who run away from me – because they find me weird.

Sigh….

Which then makes you wonder about those who don’t run screaming for the hills. They’re either extremely unperceptive. Or, I should start running for the hills.

Written by The Intimate Stranger

October 14th, 2010 at 10:55 pm